


Movie Night: The Batlash

by Tanaletheia



Series: Living With Your Secret Identity [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Bat Brothers, Bat Family, Batfamily Shenanigans, College, Crack, Family Bonding, Family Fluff, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Movie Night, Secret Identity, Superheroes, batfam, superheroes living ordinary lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-06 01:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17930069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tanaletheia/pseuds/Tanaletheia
Summary: Sequel to Correlation and CausationSteph and Jason had a lot of fun in her class today. It would be irresponsible not to share their joy with the family.





	Movie Night: The Batlash

**Author's Note:**

> I had fun writing so I hope you have fun reading!
> 
> Thanks to odd_izzy for the word "Batlash"!
> 
> Vistit me on [tumblr](https://batkidsaremadkids.tumblr.com)

Then:

Steph: **_mandatory movie night at the manor tonight. No weapons or fighting allowed. Jay and I have diplomatic immunity for everything you see._**

Dick: ** _I'll be there :D_**

Dami: ** _is this mission related?_**

Tim: ** _what did you do?_**

Cass: ** _{grinning emoji} {thumbs up emoji}_**

Bruce: ** _there will be no immunity for whatever you did._**

Babs: ** _tell me if you need to disappear for a while. I'll have the papers ready anyways_**

Alfred: ** _I shall prepare the entertainment room and snacks._**

  
Now:

Cass arrived at the Manor a little late. That meant that everyone but Alfred had already gathered in front of the door to the entertainment room. They waiting for Steph and Jason to stop standing guard. As she approached she heard Dick ask about Barbara's whereabouts and Jason's response.

"She said Gotham needed Oracle if all of us are patrolling late tonight. Even if Kate says she has us covered."

Cass snuck closer to the group in the hallway. When she was almost at Dick's shoulder Jason noticed her. He elbowed Stephanie inclining his head in Cass' direction. Cass pouted a little. She had looked forward to startling her siblings. Steph waved excitedly for a second before turning to the rest of the family.

"We know you're all probably wondering why you're here. And it's a complicated story that is best explained by the fact that college is awesome and you're all missing out. Also thank you Tim, for being so easy to blackmail."

Stephanie's declaration was met with silence. Most of the family tried not to seem worried but Cass saw the tension in their stances and the gritting of a few jaws.

"I thought I told you not to blackmail each other," Bruce frowned at the kids still blocking the door. Then he turned to Tim with a look of curiosity. "What did they want and how is it related to this spectacle?"

"I plead the fifth," Tim said not breaking eye contact with Steph.

Bruce stepped into Tim's line of sight. He tried to stare him down. Bruce never really understood that his Batglare didn't work on his kids. At least not the way it did on criminals and Superman. "You can only use that in court."

"It's your own fault for interrogating me when _they_ are the ones that asked for immunity."

While Cass had willfully ignored that part of the text message, it seemed Dick had originally ignored everything beyond 'movie night'. He looked at Jason with furrowed brows. "Little Wing, did you shoot the movie yourself or why do you need immunity?"

Jason cocked his head to the side considering. "I suppose you could say it like that? In that case it's a documentary," he said with a wide grin.

Steph laughed and Cass looked her over considering. Her stance was relaxed, same as Jason. So whatever they did had probably not ended in causalities or much property damage. She shrugged. If they had fun doing whatever it was, Cass was sure she was going to enjoy the result.

Dick in contrast closed his eyes and rubbed his temples with a pained grin. "It's not a snuff film is it?" He looked at Jason with trepidation. "Please tell me you didn't go through with the idea of filming your daily life and calling it a zombie movie."

Jason pointed an accusing finger at Dick. "Don't mock it 'till you try it. It's an awesome idea. If Damien would just agree to cooperate it would already be a success and you would be eating your words."

"Master Jason, if you would stop using your death for entertainment purposes and let me put down the snacks inside?"

Alfred's dry voice made Jason wince and Steph laugh once more.

"It's not that bad. It's just that some of you might be offended by some of the things that were said. But we decided that you need to see it anyways. Mostly in case there are repercussions or some reporter gets a hold of the story," Steph opened the entertainment room and ushered everyone in. Cass followed her and sat next to her on one of the couches while Jason was on Steph's other side. Bruce looked wary but took a seat in an armchair. Dick pulled Damian and Tim on the other couch with him. Tim expertly escaped the hug he knew was coming and settled sideways with his feet in Dick's lap. Damian hadn't been so quick and was forced to pretend he didn't like being hugged for the foreseeable future. Alfred settled in the last remaining armchair as everyone turned their focus to the screen.

_Gotham University: Statistics 101_

"Why are you making us watch a college lecture? There is a reason I dropped out of high school..." Tim had a petulant frown on his face but he had already made his displeasure known before they entered the room. Cass thought it was probably related to whatever blackmail incident Steph had referenced.

Jason had been about to press play but stalled. "Steph asked me to keep her company in her class today, and when we saw the example her professor used we decided it would be best to record everything that happened."

There was a general air of confusion in the room. Cass decided that it would be a bad idea to let an interrogation begin now, so she smiled at Jason. "Start, please."

And he obliged.  
The screen showed a lecture hall. The camera was shaking at first but as it settled down Cass was able to make out the graphic behind the professor. "Oh."

The others where a little more vocal in their bafflement.

"What. The. Hell."

"Oh, my."

"Jason, Stephanie. How exactly is this 'not that bad'?"

"This is an outrage! Todd, Brown! How could you keep this to yourself?!"

"Dami, stay. Let them explain before- no weapons during movie night!"

Cass felt Steph shake with silent laughter. "Just keep watching."

On screen the professor was gesturing to the data behind him. His graphic linked Batman's more serious injuries to Bruce Wayne's last minute vacations.

_"You will notice a severe overlap of the data. What do you gather from this?"_

A student raised her hand and answered him. _"Is- is Bruce Wayne.... Batman?"_

Bruce turned around in his seat. He looked not amused at all and was most likely questioning Jason's and Steph's sanity once again. Jason paused the video and was about to cut him off. Cass could already hear the shouting match this would bring about. "Not exposed," she said, looking everyone in the room in the eyes to drive the point home. She waved a hand at Jason and Steph. "Not worried."

"What Cass said," Jason and Steph chorused.

Bruce settled down and faced the screen again. As they did most of the time, the family followed his cue. Jason unpaused.

 _"Why would you think Bruce Wayne is Batman?"_ As the professor explained his data collection Cass saw the tension bleed out of her family. Except for Steph and Jason who were strumming with anticipation.

_"...then this new data proves that Bruce Wayne is also the biggest buyer of exclusive high heel brands. Do you think he buys them for his dates or does he wear them himself?"_

Dick snorted. "Would you like to explain B?"

Bruce turned in his seat to glower at his oldest child. "I do not binge buy high heels on a regular basis."

Cass smiled at Bruce. "Maybe Batman does."

Her siblings howling laughter was worth the betrayed look in her father's eyes. Even Alfred had to hide a smile behind his hand while he pretended to cough.

_"...Miss Brown? Can you think of a theory?"_

Instantly they were all focused on the video once more. They heard Jason hiss at her quietly. Real-Steph sunk a little lower in her seat while Jason leaned forward and tried to angle himself so he could see Bruce's face. Then Steph's panicked voice came from the speakers.

_"Bruce Wayne and Batman are dating."_

If it weren't for the sounds from the lecture hall you would have been able to hear a pin drop. Jason fell from his perch watching Bruce and rolled on the floor with laughter. Cass had previously thought that expression to be purely figuratively but her family loved proving her wrong.

Tim cleared his throat. "This is why he never sends you undercover."

Steph straightened in her seat. She put her hands on her hips and send a deadly glare Tim's way. "Oh, yeah? Then please do share what glamorous explanation Boy Wonder III would have come up with."

"Uh..."

"That's what I thought."

"You should totally establish a public crush on Batman," Dick chimed in. He was holding Damien forcefully to his side and held a hand over his mouth.

Cass glanced at Bruce who had not moved in a while. His shoulders were slumped, but not by much. Resignation. So he had realised that this wasn't nearly enough to justify Steph and Jason's reactions.

Meanwhile the professor was scolding past-Jason. _"Language, Mister...?"_

_"Jason Todd."_

A lot of groans echoed through the room as well as a few palms slapping forheads. Jason sheepishly heaved himself back onto the couch. "It's not like he even noticed."

Tim looked at the mug in his hands wistfully. "I'm going to need more coffee for this."

Nobody knew where Alfred got the pot he immediately handed to Tim.

And while real-Jason heaved himself from the floor past-Jason dug the hole deep enough for both of them. _"Batman is crushing hard on Superman. Have you not seen any of the lastest Justice League footage? The sexual tension was palpable through the tv. I'm half convinced the aliens left because they couldn't stand them checking each other out anymore."_

Stephanie snatched the remote out of Jasons hand and hit pause. The Batkids waited in tense silence for Bruce to react. The tension hadn't returned to his shoulders but he was fiddling with something in his lap, out of view from any of them but Alfred.

Then a tinny voice came from the speakers of Bruce's phone. _"Bruce. I'm just calling to tell you how important our friendship is to me. Whatever people may tell you, don't believe the rumors. You are my best friend and I don't want anything to change between us. I'll see you at the meeting. Bye."_

Bruce turned around towards his kids with a smirk. "Finally Clark's message makes sense."

Roaring laughter made it's way through the family, even Alfred couldn't suppress a chuckle. Only Damian glared with indignation at his siblings, his father's phone and the screen. Cass let her gaze pass over him. He had to put a lot of effort into his scowl and tried to supress the slightest twitch of his lips. Not really mad then. Cass elbowed Steph and grinned. "More."

Steph complied and the scene on the screen came to life again. She slightly hunched her shoulders when her own voice came from the video. _"Maybe Supes is bi, and can't decide whether to go after Lane or Batsy. That would explain the tension between them."_

Bruce groaned and buried his face in his hands. "Really, Stephanie? Was that really necessary?"

"It was to protect _your_ secret identity," Steph declared and turned her nose up with faked confidence.

While her brothers giggled Cass turned to her father. "No one can resist you."

"Thanks, Cass," Bruce grumbled but lifted his face out of his hands. He was just in time to see the man in the pink pullover speak up.

_"Bruce Wayne is a coward."_

"Father is not a coward! He is the Batman, the bravest man in the city!" Damian had jumped up on the couch and was only held back from charging by Dick's hand on his ankle.

"Dami, calm down. They're talking about Brucie, not Dad," Dick patted Damian's leg placatingly.

Bruce frowned at his eldest. "You're making it sound like I have a split personality."

There was a beat of silence before they all found their voice at the same time. "You do."

Cass thought his resulting pout was endearing, but past experience told her it was better not to bring it up. She hoped her brothers wouldn't either. Luckily Steph's voice from the recording distracted Dick from commenting.

_"Dami would start a fight in an empty room. But if he had the chance to fight Penguin it would probably end with Bruce having to build a penguin habitat on the manor grounds."_

"I don't fight with empty rooms," Dami was being pulled down on the couch by Dick and let himself fall. It looked cute, but Cass wasn't about to turn his pout into a scowl by commenting on it.

Jason cleared his throat and levelled a look at Damian. "I bed to differ. I _literally_ walked in on you ranting to an empty room yesterday because you hadn't noticed Tim left already."

Dami's cheeks turned red. "I was doing voice exercises."

"Whatever you say, Dami," Dick ruffled his brother's hair. He grinned in Bruce's direction. "And it's kinda true. You adopt pets like Bruce does orphans."

Bruce returned the look. "You sound like Vicki Vale."

"Father-"

"We are not building a zoo."

Screen-Steph attempted to defuse the situation by making it worse. _"Damian may come across as homicidal sometimes, but that's only because he doesn't know how to express affection. He's already a lot better than he was in the beginning._ _He even watches reality tv with me now."_

Cass nodded in assent. She joined Dami and Steph in their weekly sessions whenever she had the time.

"Slander! Brown, I will fight you to the dea-"

"Yeah, let's just keep watching for now. We can maim each other later," Dick slung his arms around Damian in a way that was to hug him as much as restrain him. Cass shot Dick an approving look and a thumbs up. Dick grinned back at her and winked. Tim rolled his eyes and drank his coffee.

Cass watched her siblings laugh at Bruce and tease him while the people on screen discussed how he was to cowardly to be Batman. She focused back on the screen when the man in the pink pullover raised his voice in frustration. It was Jason's tinny voice that answered him.

_"Brucie Wayne is not smart enough to be Batman! Batman is a detective! Wayne is a glorified playboy!"_

_"Yes. Bruce is an airhead. An idiot even. Why do you think Damian's mother tried raising him alone? Even she could see that 'Brucie Wayne' can not be trusted with an infant."_

"Was that really necessary Jason?" Bruce tried to hide it but there was guilt and amusement mixed in his flat expression.

Tim snorted over his mug without lifting his eyes. "Be glad he didn't say it to your face."

"Is making me watch it on video so much better?" Bruce turned to Jason, who shrugged his shoulders.

"Was I supposed to tell them his mom is an assassin princess?"

Steph cocked her head to the side and reached for the popcorn. "Do you think they'll ever make a Disney movie about an assassin princess?"

"Only if she turns them all into bodyguards by the end and no one actually dies," Dick said without loosening his hold on Damien.

Tim was repelled by the idea. "She would probably have to fall in love with the guy she is supposed to kill and then destroy the League from within."

"I'd watch it," Cass told her family shrugging her shoulders.

Bruce heaved a deep sigh. "Please don't ever tell Talia you had this conversation. That goes especially for you Jason. No singing Disney songs while fighting the League."

He knew his kids too well.  
_"If you want to know if a rich person is self-sufficient, ask them whether they know how to operate their washing machine and dishwasher. By the way, Brucie doesn't know either,"_ an amused Steph said on screen.

"Of course I know how to use the washing machine!" Bruce turned an incredulous looks at his children. They all avoided his gaze. The laughter from the recording seemed to mock him in his children's silence.

"Do you, Master Bruce? Then would you mind telling me where in the Manor it is located?" Alfred raised an eyebrow and a smirk tugged at his lips.

"..."

Jason turned to their father. "Seriously?"

Bruce turned back towards the screen grumbling. "I do know how to _operate_ it."

While everyone was laughing at Bruce the students had begun listing all the other vigilantes in Gotham.

_"Nightwing!"_

"Yes?"

"Not you Dickhead," Jason threw a piece of popcorn at Dick and hit him right between the eyes.

Dick threw a handful back and hit Jason, Steph and Cass. Steph took one of the popcorn bowls and emptied it towards Dick's couch. Tim picked up a piece and popped it in his mouth. Damian fumed and Dick laughed. Cass took the other bowl and vowed to keep it out of the others' reach.

"Thank you, Miss Cassandra," Alfred said. Steph froze. Dick did, too. Jason laughed.

"Since you think it's so funny, Jay, I'm sure you won't mind cleaning everything Alfred tells you to tomorrow. Stephanie, Dick, same goes for you."

Bruce had never even looked away from the screen. He was still engrossed in the students naming all his children's vigilante identities and the girl who defended the Red Hood.

Cass had never actually heard the people of Crime Alley talk about their protector. She felt very proud of her brother and reached around Steph to squeeze his arm.

When the green haired boy spoke her expression darkened. " _Red Hood is still a wanted criminal! Any mob boss controls what offences his underlings can and can't commit."_

 _"I'm not a 'mob boss'. I don't even have any underlings,"_ past-Jason whispered.

"Don't like him," Cass grabbed a pillow and hugged it to her chest.

"Me neither," Jason grinned.

Damian finally pulled Dick's hand from his mouth. "Tt. Be proud of your achievements, Todd, however questionable and underachieving they may be."

Well, that was one way to look at it. Cass smiled at her littlest brother. Bruce and Dick struggled with themselves whether to reprimand Damian, because being a criminal shouldn't be called "achievement" or commend him for backing up his brother.

Tim took the decision from them. "If you wanted to be a _real_ criminal in this city, you would need a doctorate, anyways. And anything language based doesn't count."

"That's the reason I'm still sticking it out with you loosers," Jason grinned, Bruce groaned, everything as usual.

Steph slapped Jason's arm. "Be quiet Jay, I want to know what happens next!"

He looked at her bewildered. "You were there."

"I blacked out for half of it from stress."

"That explains so much."

Cass ignored the bickering next to her and concentrated on the bickering on screen. A few students had been fighting over Red Hood's hero status, even bringing Superman and the Justice League into the discussion. Now screen-Steph and screen-Jason were arguing about Jason being a bad influence and therefore not being allowed to babysit Dami and Jon.

_"Bruce doesn't think I'm a bad influence on Damian. He just knows I'm fun and he's not, so he doesn't want Dami to like me better."_

"I would never like you better, Todd," Damian crossed his arms.

Jason gasped with mock hurt. "And to think I was going to ask if you wanted to blow shit up with me."

"Your obsession with explosives is ridiculous. There are more personal ways to deal with your enemies," Damian said.

Jason rolled his eyes. "If it's personal, I get personal. But bombs are more efficient against large groups and for getting rid of their resources. And they wouldn't make for a good fight anyways. It's like stealing candy from a baby, it just feels mean to beat them up."

Dick leaned forward in his seat to look Jason in the eyes curiously. "How is it less mean to blow them up?"

"Less humiliating," Cass answered for her brother and shrugged her shoulders. Jason gave her a thumbs up and nodded.

Bruce buried his face in his hand once more. "Please. Just. Never have a discussion about morality or ethics anywhere you might be overheard. Any of you."

"Or talk in code," Tim tacked on.

Alfred cleared his throat and gave them all a pointed glance, then looked at the television. Mumbled apologies made their way through the room.

The girl with the black bob was recounting an incident that had been on magazine covers for weeks when it happened.

_"I don't think Batman works with metas. The last time Superman followed someone to Gotham, Batman shouted 'No metas allowed!' and basically bullied him out of the city, then delivered the criminal to the city limits for pick up."_

"Steph, pause," Dick said and then turned to Bruce with a disappointed frown on his face. "I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You really didn't need to be that mean to Clark. He was just doing his job, same as you."

"I never actually said _that_ ," Bruce tried to defend himself.

"Then what did you say?"

"..."

"Yes Bruce, what did you say?" Jason perked up more the longer Bruce stayed silent.

"'Get out of my city, Boy Scout.'"

Roaring laughter went through the room until it was instantly silenced by a small cough.

"Master Bruce, even if you are dealing with your friends, you should never forget your manners."

"Sorry, Alfred," Bruce said sheepishly.

Alfred nodded. "Very well, but I expect you to show better behaviour in the future. Miss Stephanie, if you would continue the video?"

Steph grumbled but complied. "I had really hoped we would skip over this part..." she whispered to Jason who spared her an unrepentant look.

 _"Batman is such a diva,"_ rang Steph's voice from the speakers while the current Steph tried to hide between Cass' back and the couch cushions.

Jason laughed at her and kept laughing while his own voice rang through the room. _"And Superman is a push over."_

Dick jumped on the coffee table. He had a baby blue blanket draped over his shoulders and was holding it in front of his face with one arm. "I am Justice. I am the night. I am the Batman," he growled.

"That's Dracula, Dick, not Batman," Tim pressed out between wheezing laughter.

Steph grinned and leaned away from Bruce as a precaution. "Did you steal from Dracula, B?"

"He also made Lucius invent a machine that generates thunderstorms. So he can say dramatic shit in front of lightning," Jason said casually while chewing popcorn.

"Tt. The fates have decided to gift father with enough intimidation and presence not to need such cheap parlor tricks."

Silence followed Damian's declaration. With his arms crossed and the pout on his face he for once actually looked his age. Dick imidiatly hug-tackled Damian and kissed his cheek while their siblings laughed.

They were interrupted by Bruce mirroring pout and grumble. "It's for intimidation purposes. To make people think Batman is untouchable and fighting him is pointless." Bruce crossed his arms. "And I don't have a weather machine. Can we just go back to making fun of Clark?"

"Diva," Cass said and closed the topic to chuckles from her siblings.

None of the kids wanted to continue the topic any further anyways. Because the silence from opposite Bruce reminded them just where Bruce had gotten his hang for theatrics. And none of them were brave enough to mess with Alfred.

_"Stop telling people I'm dead!"_

Jason's voice rang quiet and breathless from the recording.

 _"Sometimes I can still hear your voice,"_ Steph's voice followed.

Alfred shot both of them a very disappointed look. They cowered in their seats, so Cass concluded they were sufficiently chastised. Even if she thought it had been funny.

_"If Robin and Batgirl are intern gigs, do you think they're paid interns?"_

"Yeah, B," Dick was grinning, "where is our pay?"

Bruce let his gaze wander over all his children. "Your allowances and trust funds."

"But I don't get an allowance," Steph crossed her arms in front of her chest and raised an eyebrow in mirth.

Bruce heaved an exasperated sigh. "I pay your tuition, don't I?"

"Because none of your kids want to go to college," Steph grumbled and winked at Jason who shrugged his shoulders.

"'Cause required courses are shit. Exhibit A," he gestured to the screen.

"You meant to say 'required courses are _the_ shit'."

_"He probably skimms from all the mobsters he puts away. The GCPD would never know if some of the money is missing."_

Jason's voice from the speakers sounded smug to Cass. Steph imidiatly hit pause. Incredulous looks were sent Jason's way from most of the rooms occupants. In his forced stillness they saw his want to squirm. When the silence had stretched for several minutes Jason broke. "What?"

"Jason. You can't just go around telling people I steal from criminals," Bruce was rubbing his temples trying to dissipate his growing headache. It didn't work.

Jason threw a handful of popcorn at their father. "Why not? It's a great diversion. Better than when they think you pay yourself."

"If this gets to the Commissioner Batman could actually get into legal trouble," Tim chimed in.

Cass shrugged her shoulders. "Fun for Babs."

Jason used that lull in the conversation to grab the remote from Steph and hit play again.

_"Batman doesn't steal! Why do you all just accept this?!"_

"At least someon-" Bruce started but was interrupted by Jason's and Steph's voice ringing from the screen once again.

_"There is no way Batman has enough legal funds to pay for all his toys. So the alternatives are that he embezzles from his day job, that he has a fake charity set up or some other nefarious scheme."_

_"Or do you think Batman really is Bruce Wayne and he's using his personal funds and no one noticed?"_

Alfred shook his head slowly. Dick and Tim were looking between the screen, Bruce, and Jason and Steph. It was a train wreck and they didn't know where to focus. Bruce had his face buried in his hands again.

_"Guys. What if. There is more than one Batman. It's a whole squad. Like a secret military thing."_

"That sounds like a terrible idea," Tim said. "Batman works, because of B's controlling nature and the high standards he holds himself to. A paid squad would never be able to uphold the moral code or keep the secret."

"Seconded," Dick said. "The motion passes, just keep watching." He eyed all of his siblings carefully, looking for anyone wanting to start a fight.  
They watched the video for a few minutes in silence. Suddenly the students on screen broke out in a wild discussion, throwing theories into the room and moving on from them in quick succession.

_"Does Batman take the suit off for sex?"_

_"Maybe he's a furry. He accidentally stopped a crime in his fursona and stuck with it because he's not a quitter."_

_"Does this mean Batman might actually just go on vacation with Bruce Wayne, his lover?"_

_"I thought Batman is dating Catwoman? I saw them make out on a roof."_

_"Is Robin Batman's kid with Superman or Catwoman?"_

_"Maybe Batman is stalking Bruce Wayne."_

_"If we're looking for the hottest guy, it has got to be Nightwing, right? Have you seen that ass? Michelangelo couldn't have sculpted that perfection."_

The professor at the front of the class looked to be stumped at first. When he found his voice again he quieted the class with a rant that included a slightly inappropriate comment on Nightwing's ass. At that moment Jason paused the video again.

"Superman or Catwoman?" Dick asked, "Everyone should know by now that Robin is Batman's lovechild with justice."

"I don't think you should call Talia 'justice'," Jason quipped.

Bruce turned around in his chair to face his children. The corner of his lips twitched slightly, despite the scowl he was wearing.

Tim cleared his throat before Bruce could say anything and glanced at all the room's occupants. "Let's table that discussion for now and talk about the fact that Batman allegedly _stalks Bruce Wayne_."

Cass snorted while her siblings chuckled.

"I can't stalk myself," Bruce pouted.

Cass raised an eyebrow at her father, keeping her gaze firmly locked with his. "Never apart."

"Batman is obsessive enough to get stuck on some rich guy," Steph chimed in, still stuffing herself with popcorn.

Bruce heaved a deep sigh. "Kids. I am not stalking myself. I am not in love with myself. Or Superman. Or Catwoman."

"So it _is_ justice," Dick clasped his hands over his mouth like a scandalised woman in one of Alfred's dramas.

Next to him Damian raised his nose. "The alien and the temptress aren't worth your affections anyways, Father."

"But you're okay with him banging justice?" Jason asked.

"Language, Master Jason," Alfred said. Jason grumbled a quiet apology.

"Don't be crude, Todd," Damian said ignoring the interruption. "Father doesn't fornication with Commissioner Gordon, do you?"

Silence stretched.

"Does this mean he thinks Gordon is justice?" Tim whispered to Dick.

Dick leaned towards Tim and whispered an answer. In any ordinary family it might have been quiet enough, but surrounded by Bats whispering didn't get one far and so everyone in the room heard. "Well, there is the theory that Gordon and Batman are an item. Apparently Babs finds it hilarious to contribute to that one."

"Yeah. I really don't want to think about that sooo..." Steph unpaused the video.

Bruce turned back to the screen but asked one last question over his shoulder. "By the way, what's a furry?"

"No idea!" Jason scrambled to silence his siblings behind their father's back and switched to sign language.

 _(Nobody tell him!)_ Jason pointed to Tim. _(I'll give you 50 bucks if you can make him say that in an interview!)_

Tim raised both his eyebrows at him. _(You want to pay me with my own money?)_

Dick decided to leave his siblings to their scheming and distract Damian with a hug instead.

Jason rolled his eyes. _(Fine, I'll owe you a favour.)_

Tim nodded his head to agree.

Shortly after the recording had resumed on screen Jason's voice was heard again. _"You know that B still does background checks on all of Dick's dates without telling him?"_

Bruce turned to Jason with a flat look on his face. Did he _have to_ reveal his secrets this way?

Dick forced himself between the two fists on his hips. "What the hell, B? I'm an adult. A cop. I can do my own background checks."

Bruce grimaced while the other kids watched in interest. Alfred's face clearly said _I told you this would happen, Master Bruce_. Bruce avoided his children's eyes. "It's not like I only do it for _your_ dates," he grumbled finally.

"Wait. You do that for all our dates?" Tim asked with raised eyebrows.

Dick threw his hands up in the air and returned to his seat. He had given up on getting an actual answer out of Bruce.

"Of course he does," Jason looked at Tim. "That's why he doesn't _know_ about my dates."

Bruce cleared his throat and when Jason and the others turned towards him he raised his eyebrows.

Jason's eyes widened. "How."

Bruce didn't break eye contact but didn't say anything either.

"I'm Batman," Steph grumbled as low as she could.

Bruce shrugged his shoulders and turned back towards the screen hiding his smirk.

_The story goes that Red Hood, Nightwing and Red Robin got into a full blown fist fight instantly, something about territories, but when the thugs started attacking the vigilantes Red Hood started shooting at the thugs instead. When the thugs asked why he turned on them. He supposedly shouted 'ohana, bitches' and beat them all up."_

_"I heard that, too. The phrase has been tagged everywhere in Crime Alley since."_

"Really, boys?" Bruce asked.

Dick hunched his shoulders and looked at Bruce sheepishly. "The only part of that that's accurate is Jay shouting at them."

"I also shot at them," Jason lifted his chin.

Dick buried his face in his hands. "You couldn't have kept that part to yourself?"

Tim rolled his eyes. "He was gonna check the police reports anyways."

Which was an accurate assessment.

"Todd probably started the tagging himself, too," Damian crossed his arms.

Jason threw a pillow at his youngest brother. "I didn't."

Damian caught the pillow and chucked it back at Jason. He deflected the pillow so it hit Bruce in the face. Bruce chugged the pillow into a corner.

"I did," Cass said quickly.

"I know why I like you best," Jason high fived Cass, both of them grinning madly.

Bruce and Alfred were getting agitated when a student explained how people used to bet on the Robins being captured by the Rogues. When Jason's voice whispered on screen the whole family sent him disbelieving looks. _"I could have made a killing! How did I forget about that? I was betting on it with Dickiebird, so why didn't I think to bet against me and let myself be captured?"_

"You bet against me?!" Dick shrieked and threw another handful of popcorn at Jason.

" _Everyone_ bet against you, Boy Hostage," Jason rolled his eyes. After contemplating for a moment Jason perked up and turned towards Damian with a glint in his eyes. "Hey Demon, wanna scam some assholes with me?"

"Tt. I am not sullying my honor by getting captured, so that you can make money," Damian crossed his arms and managed to look down on Jason even though he was technically shorter than him. "If you want their money I am sure you'll find other ways."

"Jason. Don't encourage your brother to get kidnapped. Damian, don't encourage your brother to steal," Bruce said shaking his head. "I can't believe I just had to say that."

"I'd imagine it's the same kind of incredulity as when your charge decides to dress up as a giant bat, sir," Alfred said without looking away from the recording.

The recording that had Jason and Steph discussing Jason's various past go-bags hidden in the manor as well as his current one hidden in the attic.  
Bruce focused back on the video when his name came up. He frowned at Jason. "Didn't you have that bag in the basement by the water heater?"

"Before I died, yeah," Jason said. He looked Bruce in the eyes with a frown of his own. "Are you trying to tell me you found it and never got rid of it?"

Bruce stared back blankly. A tense silence was creeping through the room. "I only found it last year."

"Bruce. The stuff in there would only fit Damian right now."

"I didn't go through it," Bruce shot back. "And it wasn't dusty or anything so I thought it was current."

Both of them turned to Alfred who shrugged his shoulders. "It seemed impudent to throw it our without telling Master Bruce."

It was a loaded answer but nobody felt the need to make Alfred elaborate right now.

 _"They jump from skyscrapers every night. What kind of shit would they come up with to get an adrenaline rush?"_ A blond guy on screen had been ranting. The professor seemed stumped at that and voiced his concern. Which made screen-Steph and screen-Jason laugh and the tension in the room break. Real-Steph and real-Jason had grins growing on their faces sending Tim sideways glances. Tim grew exponentially paler while screen-Steph explained the antics one would get up to when one had Superfriends. When she was done with the explanation and the lecture hall was suspended in stunned silence Jason grabbed the remote and paused the video. The silence in the Manor was more uncomfortable than stunned but the noise level was about the same. Tim, Dick and Damian were trying their best to sink into the ground. They were remembering every time they did something that would be considered dangerous just because their friends could save them if it became necessary. Jason and Steph were proud of the times they defied the rules and knew Bruce didn't expect that they would actually follow them anyways. They could live with the consequences. Cass on the other hand was always aware of her own limitations and Bruce had made her promise to keep to them. And she always kept her promises to him when he had the possibility of ever finding out.

"If you wanted to keep your antics secret, you shouldn't have let Wally and Roy share the pictures over the Justice League channels," Bruce said mildly.

Six pairs of eyes snapped to Bruce's face. Bruce glanced at his kids and grinned before focusing back on the screen.

Jason turned to his siblings with wide eyes and whispered as quietly as he could. "What's wrong with B today?"

"I don't know. But it scares me," Steph whispered back.

Cass frowned at the back of her father's head. "Relaxed?" She tilted her head and kept studying him.

"Could be an imposter," Tim piped up. He was already holding his phone to check for suspicious activity in the city and beyond.

Damian hissed at the others, only Dick's hand on his shoulder keeping his voice low enough not to be heard by Bruce. "Tt. Father would not be caught by an imposter stupid enough not to imitate him properly."

Dick looked over his brothers and sisters. They were confused and so was he. He cleared his throat and spoke loud enough for Bruce to actually hear this time. "Hey B, how was your day? Anything good happen?"

Bruce turned around and blinked at the non sequitur. "Not particularly. Why?"

"No reason," Dick smiled. Bruce frowned but he turned back towards the screen. A testament to his weird behaviour all on it's own. Since when did Batman let anyone get away with this kind of non-answer? Tim's tapping became more urgent. Jason cursed that he had left his guns in the cave for movie night. Dick tightened his hold on Damian so he could force his little brother out of there at a moments notice.

Alfred caught the kids attention with a quiet cough. "Master Dick, if I might. When was the last time you all spend time together out of costume?"

Dick startled slightly. He frowned and thought. "Not sure, maybe- ah." Dick looked over Bruce once more. "Okay then."

Dick loosened his grip on Damian and his siblings relaxed, too, reassured by Alfred's and Dick's acceptance of Bruce's behaviour.

Just then the student with the black bob on TV escalated her questioning of Batman and his associates to accusing them directly. _"So they might just plant the evidence. That's reassuring."_

"Well... she's not exactly wrong," Tim said and slightly shook his head defeatedly.

Bruce bristled and scowled. "We don't plant evidence."

"But we _do_ manipulate it sometimes. Especially digital evidence." Tim didn't even want to know what lines Oracle chose to cross on occasion. Her whole existence was based on a violation of every privacy law.

"And it's not like we collect _any_ evidence in a legal way at all," Dick grinned. "That was the hardest part when I started working for the police. Getting a warrant instead of some simple B'n'E."

Jason grinned viciously in response. "I planted the murder weapon back on the perp a few times. It's hilarious to see their faces when the cops show them the knife they'd planted on someone else."

"Jason!" Bruce tried to chastise.

His son rolled his eyes. "Only if they did it first."

"Technically, every confession we ever got was under duress and shouldn't have been admissable in court," Steph grinned and fist bumped Jason.

Bruce heaved a deep sigh massaging his temple. "The warrants in this city shouldn't be admissible in court. Half the judges are on the take or have their own nefarious goals."

Cass tilted her head and thought. "We assault."

"It's like self-defence," said Dick. "Except that we don't defend ourselves. And there isn't always a direct threat..." he trailed off.

Jason reached around Steph to pat Cass' arm. "And thus it actually is assault. But that's okay. They deserve it."

There was really no way to refute it.

"Let's get back to the problem at hand." Steph straightened in her seat. "That guy actually just said that Batman is trustworthy because _Superman_ trusts him."

"Oh right. What the heck B? You totally shot our reputation to hell," Jason crossed his arms and scowled.

Damian threw a pillow at Jason but Dick grabbed it out of the air between them. "Or it is the fact that he associates with you, Todd."

"Be careful, Demon Brat. You might hurt my feelings," Jason drawled.

Bruce cleared his throat to get his kids attention. He was squirming in his seat. Or whatever counted as squirming for Batman. ".... That was actually one of my pro points when I was debating if I should contact the other heros."

The only sound in the room was coming from the speakers while the Batkids contemplated Bruce's reasoning.

"It's an effective tactic," Tim said finally and shrugged shoulders.

Jason munched on the popcorn he had liberated from Cass. "Is that why you always encourage Damian to hang put with Jon? You think his 'good kid vibes' are contagious?"

"That didn't work for Tim," Steph shrugged her shoulders.

"Tim doesn't count. He is a different species, he has caffeine for blood," Dick winked at Tim.

"You just think you have room to talk 'cause you don't have a Superfriend. Just a speedster with a worse reputation than your own," Tim poured himself another coffee and grimaced when Jason threw popcorn into his mug. He drank it anyways.

"I don't have a bad reputation," Dick pouted and used Damian as his own personal teddy bear. Much to the boy's displeasure. He was met with a lot of raised eyebrows. He chose to take those in regards to his treatment of Damian rather than his statement.

Cass shook her head. "Bad influence. All of you."

"Ouch, Cass. I am offended. I worked so hard to be the family disappointment and you say it didn't matter?" Jason asked.

Cass tilted her head considering. "Worst influence?"

"Thanks," Jason winked at her.

"Wait," Steph physically put herself in their line of sight to get their attention and turned to Cass. "Cass, you said 'all of you'. Are you excluding yourself from being a bad influence?"

"Yes."

This brought pillows flying at her from all directions. At least from those that hadn't already thrown all their pillows at others.

The lecture came to an end with a frustrating conclusion. The professor had wanted to teach his students to be objective and had chosen to compare polarising figures on purpose. _"Next week we'll examine Superman and property destruction. I'll see you next week."_

The recording stopped and the screen went black.

Dick grinned mischievously. "That sounds interesting."

"We have that data on the Batcomputer," Tim refuted.

Dick poked Tim in the ribs and almost made him spill his coffee. "You're just worried you'll be caught in the Batlash if Jay and Steph go to that lecture together again."

"Oh but we're going. So if any of you want to come you should disguise yourselves and keep a low profile," Jason said stretching his limbs after sitting for so long.

Tim shot a disbelieving looks in Jason's direction. "Like you did, Mr. I-am-legally-dead-but-I'm-gonna-introduce-myself-with-my-full-name-to-someone-who-actively-researched-my-family."

Jason bristled. "It wasn't on purpose..." he grumbled.

"Tt. That just makes it even more incompetent," Damian sneered.

Bruce booming voice cut of the impending argument. "None of you are going."

Steph raised an eyebrow. "I kinda have to."

"You can go," Bruce relented begrudgingly. "But _they_ are staying home. And none of you invites either of the Supers to attend that class next week. Or any week after that," he tagged on.

"Fair enough." Jason smirked. "But Steph already paid me to go to the lecture for the rest of the semester."

Which was a Blatant lie. They had never specified how many lectures he would have to attend but it made Bruce groan again so it was worth it.

"Give her back the money," Bruce said flatly. "You're not supposed to pay each other anyways."

Steph squirmed a little glancing at Tim and Jason. "I didn't exactly pay in cash," she twisted her hands together. "And it's not refundable."

"Not going would be a breach of contract," Jason added.

"They're gonna go anyways, B. Just leave them to it," Tim intervened. None of them were eager to discuss the damned blackmail incident and they really needed to find a way to distract Bruce from the mysterious payment.

Bruce was trying to interrogate them with looks alone. Lucky for them Cass had a solution. "Tim needs sleep. Two days."

"How do you even know that?!" Tim turned to his sister.

Bruce looked Tim over. "Tim. You're off patrol tonight. Go to bed."

The distraction was a success. Even if Jason and Steph knew Bruce would come back to the topic eventually, he would at least wait until Tim had slept to bring it up again. Enough time to think of a convincing story.

Jason leaned over Steph to Cass. "How _did_ you know that?" he whispered.

Cass shrugged. "Guess."

Steph had trouble keeping her laughter silent. It wouldn't be good to focus the attention back on her.

Tim tried to fight of Bruce. "No, I'm good. I'm not even tired yet."

Dick looked Tim over with pity. He took Tim's coffee mug out of his hands and took a sip. "You didn't even notice that the coffee is decaf, Tim."

Steph couldn't keep her laughter in any longer at the way Tim gaped first at Dick and then at Alfred.

"Alfie?"

The old man coughed and the corner of his mouth twitched. "I was going to talk to you in private later tonight, Master Tim, but I guess you will be staying home tonight without making a fuss after all."

"Fine." Tim grumbled and cross arms with a pout. "But even if we're not going to the next lecture, we should still monitor social media for any ramifications both this week and next," he thought for a second. "Probably for the rest of the semester."

Damian turned to Dick. "Doesn't Gordon do that anyways?"

Dick ruffled Damian's hair. "Doesn't mean we shouldn't warn her."

Bruce nodded. "We should get ready for patrol. Meet me in the cave in 30. Tim, bed."

The kids agreed, though Tim still wasn't happy about being benched. They ate the last of the snacks and stretched while they stood up.

Bruce stood to leave the room with a deep sigh and a barely audible grumble. "At least the whole vampire thing didn't come up."

 

**Author's Note:**

> So that happened. Let me know what you think!


End file.
